Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
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I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
that wasn’t the question
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs