“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
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excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
#gardening
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again