Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
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No one girl should have all that power. 😂
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
*exercises sarcastically*
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁