Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
she has a point
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait