@KellieMounce

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

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@EndhooS

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

@ficklenuts

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

@50FirstTates

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

@KevinFarzad

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

@ICantEven001

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

@FormerChild

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

@BrakSucks

[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]

Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”

Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”

@supermarkusa

I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair

@Hormonella

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show