lot going on here, legally speaking.
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The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
#Thanos #MondayMood
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”