Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

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We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.


Shake what yo mama gave you! Oh she just handed you a child. Don’t shake that


Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted


Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.


DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.


I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.


Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.


[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?


Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.


I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw