@RiverClegg

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

You Might Also Like

@totmessmom

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

@Bagyants

Shake what yo mama gave you! Oh she just handed you a child. Don’t shake that

@ThugRaccoons

Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted

@sportswithjohn

Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.

@dave_cactus

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

@ColoChiver

I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic.

@om_eye_goodness

Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.

@daemonic3

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

@RachelNoise

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

@AngryRaccoon2

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw