Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?