*Seductively hides in the woods
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A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language