Lots of hockey tweets, sadly I’m from Alabama where a bunch of white guys chasing something black with sticks has a whole different meaning.

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*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-

*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*


If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.


Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

Kids: WE DO! YAY!


[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it


Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?


When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was


btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong