Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.