My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.