@PhilJamesson

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”calamitygina”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3500139565/481993e5347fcad3e98d66cc4c9f4ded_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”222056070812676097″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:135:”Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@kaynecaraway

I blanked when I got to the counter at Starbucks and said “vodka soda” and she said “huh” and I said “huh” and then we stared at each other until I remembered I was there for coffee.

@KimmyMonte

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

@EffiMai

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

@TuSoonShakur

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

@Fred_Delicious

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

@upsidedowntrash

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

@squirrel74wkgn

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

@ComedicBust

When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn’t know it’d mean she’d quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself