[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
#MeanwhileinCanada
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲