[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

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The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.


It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.


Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.


I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.


looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours


If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids


WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.


if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat


I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.