@PhilJamesson

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

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@TheTweetOfGod

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

@mjkspeaks

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

@TylerLinkin

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

@LoriLuvsShoes

I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.

@django

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

@McSwtrvst

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

@jeffreyvanclea1

if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat

@skittle624

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.