[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
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Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten