[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
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As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
War & Peace
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces