[loud crash]

Toddlers: NOTHING

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Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.


*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*


[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”


The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍


CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters


Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…


The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out


Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.


Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.