@daddydoubts

[loud crash]

Toddlers: NOTHING

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@tonsmorecowbell

Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.

@IamEveryDayPpl

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

@somecleverthing

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

@shash_____

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

@ericsshadow

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

@samfromks

Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…

@rickolantern

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

@RodLacroix

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.