Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
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Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no