Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
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*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Kiwis are just lemons that forgot to shave.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie