As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
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Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
A leaf blower, but for people.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear