@UncleDuke1969

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

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@CruisinSoozan

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

@elunatyk

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

@UtilityLimb

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

@yoyoha

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

@LackOfShame

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear