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@UncleDuke1969: [loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
@Megatronic13: Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
@DCpierson: I'm a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I'm sleeping with my clothes on.
@GingerHotDish: I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now... how long does the flu normally last?
@MelvinofYork: I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought "they don't do ANYTHING really" and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
@DumbConfessions: Saying "excape "makes me wanna stab you in the "exophagus".