[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
You Might Also Like
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children