My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.