[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
@funTweeters
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
And then there were 4
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.