Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
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Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”