@HuffPostComedy

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

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@GorillaNipples1

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

@Elizasoul80

Bees aren’t disappearing. Trump has been secretly deporting them because he thinks pollination is a hoax created by the Chinese.

@TheHyyyype

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

@AlisonChrista

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

@E_lok44

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

@Midgetspar

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

@schlimp

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

@novicefather

One bad mushroom trip in high school and here I am 15 years later still sexually attracted to Rosie O’Donnell.

@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*