A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
i wish i could marry a nap
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.