Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*
My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[wife staring at my shirt]
Did you actually get any of that in your mouth?
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*