Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
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Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
*offers Batman cough drops*
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.