They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
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Facebook is pretty much the Wal-Mart of the internet.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
“2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN’T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,” I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land