Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
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🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.