@WheelTod

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

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@ArfMeasures

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

@dadtellsjokes

Dad:I don’t trust those trees…..
Son: Why? What do you mean?
Dad: They seem kind of shady

@envydatropic

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

@dubstep4dads

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

@AdamBroud

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

@KeetPotato

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

@Eden_Eats

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

@QwertyJones3

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

@LoriLuvsShoes

Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun