[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin