@WheelTod

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

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@sarcasm_inc

“2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN’T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,” I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

@OctopusCaveman

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

@MarshallMcFar11

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

@desi_princess

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

@WilliamAder

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

@NiceLittleWife

When I go to Victoria’s Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they’ll really look.

@TheBoydP

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

@joeljeffrey

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

@TweetPotato314

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure