[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

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Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?


Dad:I don’t trust those trees…..
Son: Why? What do you mean?
Dad: They seem kind of shady


I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off


ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed


Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal


[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”


The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.


[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”


Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun