Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

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JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the


The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”


if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had


hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.


There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.


“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.


Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.


Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!


So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap