@Gupton68

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

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@Home_Halfway

JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the

@squirrel74wkgn

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

@Wakenbake77

if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had

@jjhartinger

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

@Bob_Janke

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

@FlyJ_

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

@Lisabug74

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

@djdarrellripley

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

@mattZillaaaa

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap