love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
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I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?