@tarashoe

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

@electrolemon

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

@kkingparsons

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

@3sunzzz

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

@ElizaBayne

Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents

@eminmien

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

@caseytduncan

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

@Skoogeth

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

@jergarl

*puts it in perspective

Perspective: Wrong hole.

@CantWaitToNap

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.