*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
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11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful