Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
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Damn girl, are you an appendix because I have no idea what you do but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.
That’s never happened before.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.