@Aikiwomannc

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

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@Beer4AGoodTime

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

@R0ckG0d88

Damn girl, are you an appendix because I have no idea what you do but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

@Kendragarden

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Oh look! A guy with “Stand-Up Comic” in his bio unfollowed me two seconds after I followed back.

That’s never happened before.

@LeBearGirdle

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

@AimeeHelene1

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

@FrenulumBreve

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

@aimlessamers

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

@shutupmikeginn

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.