I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
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If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.