Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
You Might Also Like
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills