Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
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“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
This could’ve been an email.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.