Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

(Gaming support cat.)

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this