love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My daily affirmation
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!