Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Reverend_Scott

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

@Eden_Eats

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

@LurkAtHomeMom

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

@Coops_Bradley

Good luck to the 13 year old girl who is pregnant and wrote “California” for ethnicity on her clinic forms.

@jazmasta

[first day as a doctor]
You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how’s your diet?
[nurse interrupts me]
“Dr that’s the model skeleton”

@Classy_Cassy89

45 min phone call w/8yo nephew:

Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…

@Ygrene

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

@Token_Geezer

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

@dumbbeezie

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it