Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.
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make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that
Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Me: Chandler shut up!