@yoyoha

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.

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@tehaveragejoel

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

@Brianhopecomedy

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

@Browtweaten

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

@justokpanda

Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that

@heymonroe

Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.

@sageboggs

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

@MrMooGert

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!