Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
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Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.