“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
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Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I’m being attacked 😭
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not