Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
You Might Also Like
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”