You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
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Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
“Yep, I’m going to jail.”
When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Romeo possum: [kissing] You’re so hot
Juliet possum: [plays dead]
Romeo possum: Not cool, babe
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper