A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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ME to BF: “We need to talk about the future.” BF: “what about it,you wanna talk about flying cars and robots and stuff?”
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat