Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
🤣😈🤣
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.