ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
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When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I’m afraid I’ll be late for work now.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Her: Why did you cancel your gym membership?
Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn’t agree with
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
*googles how the hell I ended up here*