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@kiel_phillips

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

@EffiMai

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

@lilgapeach30

Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

@evanrhorne

My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I’m afraid I’ll be late for work now.

@kelllicopter

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: Why did you cancel your gym membership?

Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn’t agree with

@caithuls

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal