My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.