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ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms


When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.


Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.


ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911


My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I’m afraid I’ll be late for work now.


opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are


Her: Why did you cancel your gym membership?

Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn’t agree with


INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal