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@joejwest

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

@Cheeseboy22

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

@LuckoftheDraw86

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

@TheOutli3R

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

@simoncholland

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

@Bagyants

“What if we make headphones that stay in people’s ears?”

“Good idea Bob!” [aside] “Kill him and his whole family.”

-Apple meeting

@pleatedjeans

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

@UGotMeRight

If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I’m gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth.