Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
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INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself?
ME: *don’t let her know you’re a delicious chocolate cake* Moist
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.
Dude the goverment isn’t spying on you. You’re not interesting
*meanwhile in a secret base*
“dont let him say that to you. You’re amazing”
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because of my excellent turn signal skills?
Cop: OMG YES THEY ARE SO GOOD.