@GuyConfused

Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself?
ME: *don’t let her know you’re a delicious chocolate cake* Moist

@GrowlyGrego

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

@AndrewNadeau0

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

@AudreyPorne

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

@darkpassenger74

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

@6stringSpecial

My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.

@DillDoes

Dude the goverment isn’t spying on you. You’re not interesting
*meanwhile in a secret base*
“dont let him say that to you. You’re amazing”

@david8hughes

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

@difficultpatty

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of my excellent turn signal skills?

Cop: OMG YES THEY ARE SO GOOD.