As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order