Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
😂😂😂
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri