Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
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Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Finally!
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen