@Mulva74
@Home_Halfway
Colonel Mustard. In the kitchen. Eating soup. Calm down.
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@Home_Halfway
@chuuew
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
@melpraktis
When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.
@Spotzwoj
“I don’t want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it’s your fault.” ~ girls
@KimberlyNFoster
Menstrual cycles also need to be suspended until this ordeal is over.
@Twtercide
I will not think of sex at church
I will not think of sex at church
I will not.Priest: Which leads us to his Second Coming
Me: Goddammit!
@chagger73
Going down on a woman is the best.
The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…
@Parentpains
Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.
@jay_slidin
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
@FriedGoat
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile