[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
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*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.