@Mulva74

Love so rare, you can still hear it moo.

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@chuuew

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

@melpraktis

When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.

@Spotzwoj

“I don’t want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it’s your fault.” ~ girls

@Twtercide

I will not think of sex at church
I will not think of sex at church
I will not.

Priest: Which leads us to his Second Coming

Me: Goddammit!

@chagger73

Going down on a woman is the best.

The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…

@Parentpains

Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.

@jay_slidin

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

@FriedGoat

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile