Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks