love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?