Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants