Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
You Might Also Like
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My last name is Zilla.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
do u think theres a butter planet?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car