Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
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her: tell me about yourself
me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything
Coworker: OMG did you hear about the blizzard?
Me: which flavor?
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.