@Jake1000001

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

You Might Also Like

@SomthinBoutSara

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

@iamspacegirl

her: tell me about yourself

me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault

@TheAlexNevil

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

@envydatropic

Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything

@showersthinker

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

@Jack9eight5

As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors

@daddydoubts

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

@Brampersandon_

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

@Dishy2101

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.