Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
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Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me: