@LetsGoDoyers

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

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@earnestaugust

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

@lecalabara

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

@TheTweetOfGod

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

@adamthislife

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

@3sunzzz

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

@Carter_TCB

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

@ComedicBust

I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn’t have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.

@GoldenSpirals

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.