Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup