Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

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Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?


A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.


Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.


Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.


M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.


I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.


I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn’t have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.


Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.