I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
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JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
When I tell you I butt-dialed you, I’m not saying it was an accident, I just want you to be impressed.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
oh. my god
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I warned everyone that I take charades seriously and now three people are crying
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.