@tastefactory

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

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@skitzoette

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

@davidgrossTV

When I tell you I butt-dialed you, I’m not saying it was an accident, I just want you to be impressed.

@TheToddWilliams

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

@Procaffinator

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

@jake_lach

I warned everyone that I take charades seriously and now three people are crying

@JermHimselfish

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.