LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
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Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
That’s what I call a flat tire
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes